1st Amendment: the aftermath

it hasnt even been 24hrs since i posted my first blog.. nd already i have caught some slack from it... i wrote this blog because i want people to really get an insight on my life.. not to down anyone. i feel like i write exactly what happened in my life nd theres no need for me to stretch the truth. none of this is fake or made up... its all me. i dont want people to feel sorry for me because i feel like ive learned allot through that experience. i partly wanted big to read this.. so that he can see how he really made me feel.. im not mad or nor i hate him... i am just practicing my 1st amendment right to free speech. some men just arent made to handle the truth.. and apparently hes one of them, i have moved on with my life but again this is my blog. i didnt make it private because i want people to actually feel me. as for the outsiders reading this.. i could care less what you all think of me.. if your reading this you must care about me in some way or you wouldnt take time out your lives to wanna kno about me. this is my 1st real post but it wont be the last.. i mean i have allot to say.. god is love..

Lost Love

i decided to dedicate this first blog to my lost love.. which is part of the reason i created a blog in the first place..i feel like i have allot to say on this soo here its is..
my first love is someone who i wish to nickname big sorta because he kinda reminds me of him.. i feel like ive been through so much with one person.. this is the first person who i feel "in love" with the person who took my virginity nd the first person who broke my heart.
The Beginning
it started off as a friendship like most of them do.. until the day i let him hit... is when things started to get weird. at the time i was still a virgin so i didnt kno this was common.. he started talking to me less nd less nd i felt like i was reaching out far more then he was to talk. big would still hold conversations, still come over every thursday but it wasnt the same. whatever i just brushed it off nd let him go... at the time i felt like i loved him nd the feelings werent mutual and its common for a girl to get more attached to a guy after he takes her virginity nd i didnt really undertsand why. ultimatley we lost contact completely.. i stopped reaching out and of course he stopped caring because he had already gotten what he wanted.. about six months had past nd one day i felt like calling him.. so i did... we spoke briefly catching up on what we missed.. from then we kept in contact with one another.. this time it seemed more serious then where we had left off..
One day while having a conversation with big i told him that i had plans on going to the city with a few friends that weekend.. since big is from new york he had plans on going there as well.. so we agreed that we would drive up together while my friends would take the bus.. the ride up with big was more of a bonding experience.. besides us hanging out over my house we never really spent allot of time together.. i always enjoyed bigs company and this qt just made my "love" grow... upon returning back i felt my our realtionship grew stronger.. months had passed and we were as tight as ever.. i felt like i wanted to be exclusive with only him and it didnt matter if he felt the same.. this is the person i wanted to be with..
Falling Apart
i think that big started catching feeling for me as well because he started to become posessive.. one night me and my girl had went to a company party and after the party i was sooo sleepy so i went to sleep. at the time big worked the overnight shift so he would call me at work.. this night i didnt answer.. i woke up to 4 missed calls and when i called back big was really irrate... he asked my why i didnt pick up and i told him i had been sleeping he started screaming at me saying that i was fucking someone else thats y i didnt pick up.. he said he didnt wanna fuck with me anymore because im a liar nd he didnt like liars. all the time im confused like y couldnt i sleep.. he stopped talking to me for about 2months... i tried calling him soo many times no answer no response anything.. again i gave up. he called me eventually but still didnt believe me.. i mean i really didnt understand why he was so mad we werent in a committed relationship im sure he had been fucking other people.. but whatever.. we started talking again but it wasnt lik before.. most of the time he would act nonchalant lik he didnt care automatically assuming that i was doing something.. still i thought i loved him so i took it all in... big would start acting crazzy like calling me accusing me off aim'ing people talking shit or whatever.. and fucking this and that person... it continued.. and theres so much a person can take.. so i decided to end things with him.. i felt like it was unhealthy for me to care for someone so much nd they not trust me.. on top of that he would accuse me of attacking another female that i guess he was also talking to and i had no idea who she was.. nd it was clear that he had to care for her or else he wouldnt get so mad at me.. so there i was felt like i was last in his heart for the first time nd it wouldnt b the last.. we stopped talking for a couple weeks but something kept drawing me back to big and i dont kno why.. one night big invited me to this party that someone had invited him too.. i told him i wasnt going because i really didnt want too.. last minute me nd my best friend decided to go nd texted him that we were.. for the 1st couple hours we didnt see big but i assumed he was there.. when i finally seen him he embraced me with a hug.. whatever.. he asked me to go to the car with him so ya kno y not... i followed him out the party.. at the door he mustve spotted someone he knew and told me to turn around confused as i was.. i stopped.. i didnt understand.. i was so pissed at this point that i sat down.. my best friend being the spy she is kept telling me he was w. another chic at this party.. but y would he invite me here.. if he was with someone else.. the shit hit me below the belt because here i was scared to talk to anyone else because i didnt wanna ruin things with him yet he was at this party with another girl. im assuming this was the same female he had accused me of aiming. shortly after the party a friend of mine who knew someone else told her that the same girl said she was in a relationship with big.. they were together officially.. i felt like my heart broke into two.. i officially deaded big at this point but my heart was still broken.. i cried for days nd days i just didnt understand.. i allowed myself to think outside this thing ive had with big nd seek new options.. almost another year had past nd i felt like i was happy.. i had a boyfriend now.. nd everything was ohk.. of course there was always a comparison with big but i was with this new guy nd i liked it.. its lik big can smell i was happy with someone else so he wanted to come back into my life.. i would ask him about this girl nd he denied it again nd again saying that he wasnt with her nd the bitch was a liar blah blah blah.. of course i believed him.. i broke up with my bf at the time because big said he wanted to try it again.. still no commitment we did.. this time it felt more like a relationship. big was over my house everyday.. slept there most nights his friends would come over to hang out and everything.. of course it wouldnt last long i couldnt trust him.. he told me he loved me nd i didnt believe him.. honestlty after all that happened i didnt love him anymore.. it was hard for me to say it back so i didnt.. he told me in my ear nd i acted like i didnt hear him.. the nxt day he repeated it thru text nd it was so much easier to lie nd say it thru txt then in person... by this time it has been almost two long exhausting years.. still hearing rumors that him and the girl were still together.. as a plan to try nd rid them from each other i told him i wanted to be with him officially.. he told me he didnt wanna do a long distance relationship so he couldnt make that move.. what can i do but respect his decision deep down knowing that he had a girlfriend.. i was so naiive nd didnt wanna believe it so i kept telling myself it wasnt tru.. again we had a big fight nd stopped talking.. in my mind this was for good... i had dropped over 40lbs from stress nd it wasnt healthy. he called me one night nd said that he was moving back to the city nd he wanted to talk.. of course.. him being my one weakness i obliged... he didnt really say much besides he loved me.. but secretly i think it was ploy just to see me.. so then it was over.. i moved on with life.. or so i thought.. we still kept in contact with each other nd about a year later he called.. saying that he really wanted to be with me blah blah blah.. i told him long distance wouldnt work nd it was a bad idea... i guess after all we've been thru he thought that i would say yes.. but i didnt.. the time we spent apart i reflected on myself... and i was finally over him.. i seen him now more as a friendship then anything and i felt like i owed it to myself to see if i could get atleast a friendship out of it..big would tell me about this female was intimidated of our friendship nd would do little things.. this just confirmed that i made the right decision in not being with him because i didnt wanna go through the same thing again... i went to visit big and the feelings that i thought i lost for him had came back.. but of course as in previous things big let another girl come in between our friendship.. and 3 years later here is where i am now..
THE END
all in all ive learned a great deal from my experience with big and ill always ill be greatfull.. ive made this decison to seperate him from my life indefintley because neither a friendship or a realtionship will never work out between us two.. there will always be something that will get in the way nd mayb it gods sign saying that the two of us are not meant to be together or have a friendship. i thought i loved him but thinking back.. it wasnt love it still isnt. love is wanting to be with them forever and if necessary taking a bullet for that person nd none of those are what i feel or felt for big. i was infatuated with him.. ive grown soo much since this experience.. the only that that sucks is i wont allow myself to be close to any guy.. i wont allow myself to like or trust anyone dude.. my lost love made me heartless...